Fostering Excellence: A Conversation with Carol Sutton Lewis

Carol Sutton Lewis has dedicated the past 25 years to researching and sharing practical information and resources on her Ground Control Parenting website and podcast to help parents raise smart, thoughtful, confident Black children.

Last month, Head of School Vinny Dotoli welcomed Carol for an informative and inspiring conversation as part of our ongoing commitment to family partnership and sharing strategies to nurture excellence. Here are some highlights from what we learned:

Parent the Child You Have

Carol grew up in a family that valued education. Her father was a lawyer and her mother was a teacher. She embraced academics, and eventually became a lawyer like her dad. But her brother yearned to follow a more creative path. “He didn’t like school,” says Carol. “He wanted to be an artist.” Because her brother didn’t conform to their parents’ expectations, it led to frustration all around. “As I got older, I realized that two devoted, loving people could be very good parents to one child and, unintentionally, not as great to the other.”

When Carol had children of her own, she remembered that lesson. “Parent the child you have, not the one you were or the one you wanted; I kept that as my mantra,” she says. Listen, ask questions, and pay attention to what your child says and does. Respond and support them based on that information. Be prepared to adjust your approach and even your expectations. “As a mom of three, there were lots of moments when I had to pivot. Even though it’s hard, not doing so can be detrimental.”

Kickstart Conversations

Getting kids to open up and share their feelings and concerns can be tough. Carol suggests tagging friends, family members, and other mentors to make connections when you (for whatever reason) are not getting through. “I’m an extrovert and love to talk, but my daughter is an introvert,” says Carol. “Part of my parenting process was to understand that not everyone is wired the way I am. I have a group of friends who were play aunties to my daughter so she had someone else to go to.”

The car is also a great place to encourage conversation with your kids. “You can get a lot of good information when you’re driving with your children because they’re not looking at you,” says Carol. “It may make them feel more comfortable when they do want to say something.”

Navigate Social Media

You may not be that interested in TikTok, Instagram, WhatsApp, and other social media, but your children are. “Don’t assume that your kids don’t have social media accounts,” advises Carol. “If there’s a new platform out there, we as parents have to know about it and understand it. We can’t be in the dark.”

There have been many studies about the impact of social media, especially during the pandemic. It creates a sense of community and connection, but also provides a nonstop window into other people’s highly curated and often fictionalized lives. “As a young person, it’s very hard not to be influenced by that,” says Carol. “What’s most important is to acknowledge that this is the world our children are living in and to talk to them about it.” Ask your kids what they think and feel about what they’re seeing. What do they like about it? “As parents, we can convey our values through these conversations by helping them see things a different way, not by criticizing them.”

Encourage an Athlete’s Mindset

When a child struggles in school or in any area of life, being able to view it as a stepping stone rather than a stumbling block is essential. Carol likens it to an athlete on the field. “In sports, you don’t win all the time,” she says. “When athletes lose, they don’t take it personally. They study the tapes to see how to get better.”

Taking part in organized sports is a great way for children to learn how to think like an athlete. But they don’t have to be part of a team in order to adopt the mentality and apply it to their everyday lives. “Let your kids know that failing a test or having difficulty in class doesn’t mean something is wrong with them,” suggests Carol. “It means they don’t understand the material and need a different approach.” Normalize failure and respond with concrete steps and lots of practice toward growth. “It’s also helpful to tell your child that there are things you find hard to do, too,” she adds.

Normalize Getting Help

Although mental health issues impact everyone, including Black and Brown communities, some families view seeking help as a weakness. “Statistics show that the highest and fastest rising ethnic group of young people who commit suicide is Black boys and girls,” says Carol. “I talk about it a lot in my podcast, and I’ve interviewed so many people whose children have had issues.”

She argues that it’s critical to normalize getting help for children who are having trouble coping, especially in the wake of the pandemic’s lingering impacts. “If we look at therapists trained to help us sort through problems the same the way we view fitness trainers – as people trained to help us get where we want to be – it would take away some of the stigma.”